My cousin got stabbed to death on Thursday. I don't feel anything. That's bad i think. I should feel somethig at least i think....but oh well.

I have beenfeeling very depresed again recenly, even before that happened. I've started cutting and drinking heavily again.

Anyway,

"go to sleep bitch"

i think my depression is slowly starting to come back.

i find it hard to eve fake a smile and i can't remember the last time i laughed.

I don't know whether it's my job that's getting me down or this overwhelming sense of ... aloneness ... but something is seriously getting me down. I don't know

Anyway,

"Back to the streets where i belong"

So i'm slowly killing my self. i took a moment over the past couple of days to look at my lifestyle. I discussed this with my friend and what he said really stuck with me...

"If you just did drugs you'd be a lot healthier"

Now i don't do drugs (a bit of weed now and again) but my lifestyle is really bad. I don't get much sleep because of m job but when i finish early i still stay up for no reason. Like now it quarter past three in the morning and i'm still awake.

Because of this lack of sleep i wake up tired and drink a load of energy drink. And i mean like a minimum of 1 litre a day just to keep me going. I smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day and drink heavily whenever i get a chance. And i mean really heavily. Last time i went out i can't remember how i got home. I had enough to drink to get TWO people seriously drunk. I had a bottle of wine, some beer, nearly half a bottle fo vodka and a botle of jagermeister all to my self.

And my diet doesn't help much. Monday was the first time i ate a properly cooked meal in about a month. I tend to live on take-aways, fast food and instant noodles.

All this shit is starting to catch with me now. I've been feeling very ill over the past few days. My bones and joints hurt an i had a headache for abot 5 days straight now. I'm constantly tired and lose concentration all the time. And i've been throwing up blood at work. This gave me a few days off which gave me the chance to rest and recouperate.......that i spent drinking wine, staying up late and parrtying. You'd have thought i learned by now...

Anyway...

"Since i was young i've tasted sorrow on my tounge"

So the past few days at work have been very stressful but i have a day off so i'm gonna chillax and get considerably hammered, which ought to be very cool and is extremely needed and deserved....

Came back from work at quarter past 4 this morning and decided that it would be a good idea to watch the latest episode of bleach after checking my facebook, after this i decided to watch the sealed sword OVA followed by a stint on the ol' Xbox. This is quite normal for me.

However at half past 9 this morning after getting no sleep i decided it would be a good idea to buy a sandwich and some energy drink and not sleep til sometime tomorow. So that's gonna be about 36 hours between sleeps which i personnaly think is a very reasonable period of wakefullness.

So I'm gonna buy some energy drink and go to my mates to hopefully do some sword training before going to the pub then maybe a club.

Anyway,

"I've been on a bender and it shows"

So here's a little piece i wrote a couple of weeks back, tell me what you think.It's called "this beautiful thing"

Sup people,

Sorry for being gone for over a year. I missed you all. How have things been without me?

Anyway MindSay would'nt allow me to log in but I reckon it was a problem with my old internets because now that i have new internets everything is good. So where to start....

I decided to finish college. Turns out that there wasn't much point as i got pretty poor grades. I don't mind though cos that two years of living in misery are over. I am now in full time employment in a hotel which i absolutely hate cos my manager is a fucking dickhead.

In the past few months i fell in love and had my heart broken. The girl hurt me everyday and i don't know how i managed to cope. I don't want to go into the full details unless i get quizzed about it. I told her i am over her to make things easier between us so that we can remain friends. She is now in a new relationship. It makes me happy to see her happy but the thing is the relationship is kinda on the rocks. And it makes me happy to see her sad. Does that make me a bad person? Yes i believe it does....but i never said i was an angel. i am also slowly distanceing myself from her, a technique i used for a long time to stop myself from getting hurt.

I am still feeling very depressed although i got a lot better at hiding it from everyone and not allowing it to afect my day to day life. I decided that i have to learn to live with this part of myself and accept that i will never be truly happy. Oh well life's a bitch...

I've recently moved out from my moms and am now living with some friends in a shared house. I now completely control my own life and decisions and this sort of freedom is absolutely amazing. I should've moved out months if not years ago. It would've made my life so much easier.

What's been happening with you guys i probably missed tons whils i've been away. Let me know the important things. I now have the inernet at home so i should be checking my blog every single day. I get quite obsessie like that. I am looking forward to speaking with you guys soon...

Anyway,

"What does the scouter say about his power level.

IT'S OVER 9000"

So i'm going to France in a few hours. Whereas most people would like this i am absolutely hating it. I'm only going because my dad is paying for it and he wants to see me but...i'll list the problems:

1. It's France

2. It's full of French people

3. It'll be hot

4. It'll be sunny

5. I might get a tan

6. I have to spend a week with my dad and uncle

7. There'll be French people around

and others that i can't remember

Anyway,

"Dedicated to the kids, dedicated to wherever the music lives"

so i've not posted for a while have i. For ages really. Not much has been happening really. I've finished all my exams and that so i don't have to go back to that fucking hell hole ever. Yay. I've been...alive.

So recently i thought i was getting better. For those of you who don't know i was going through what can best be described as depression. I was going through it for a long time...or what seemed like a long time. But then i started feeling better. DOn't know why but i did. Even my friends could tell that i was happier. Kinda funny though how it cann all return in one day. Just a couple of drinks with a couple of friends and the old thoughts came flooding back. And back to my old self again...not the good kind. Anyway i've been trying my hardest to not let it show this time and i think it's working.Yay. Good for me.

I was gonna talk about the old thoughts and feelings but decided not too. They're just too personal and fucked up in my head right now. Maybe soon...or on a different account or something. But not here and not now. What the fuck am i saying...sorry i'll go.

Anyway,

"She is everything to me, the urequited dream, the song that no one sings"

Last two days were pretty cool. On tuesday i went with one of my friends to go and see the Grindhouse doublebill at the cinema. It was fucking brilliant. I've already seen deathproof on DVD and didin't really like it but is was really good on the bigscreen. And Planet Terror was amazingly good. it was so over the top it was brilliant. also they showed the fake adverts for Machete, Don't, Werewolf Women of the SS and Thanksgiving all of which were hilarious. My mate also tells me that they are actually making Machete into a real film as well which will be fucking brilliant.

Yesterday i want to the seaside with all my friends which was pretty cool. We didn't do much but it was fun nontheless spending some time with them in different surroundings.

Anyway, the same e-cookie drill goes(someone will claim one eventually)

"Don't shoot yourselves, Don't shoot each other and especially don't shoot me."

Do you currently have a hickey? 
No

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
My Mum

What was the last thing someone said to you?
Sure

So iw ent to town with some mates this morning. I bought some stuff i needed plus a Karate outfit. Which is weird because i don't do Karate. Or any martial art. It'll probably just live next to my Kung-Fu jacket. What a great waist of money. I love buying random shit i don't need.

we went back to mine and watched Cannibal Holocaust. It was the second time i saw it so i wasn't very shocked this time. It's an okay film but i wouldn't reccomend it. Not because it is somewhat sick but because it is quite poorly acted and shot.

Anyway, an e-cookie to anyone who gets my quote

"I'm a British nanny and I'm dangerous"

Today was quite good. I watched a part of Lost Boys in the morning which was absolutely shit. Bought some cigarettes which was good cos i hadn't had a smoke since monday. I hate being skint. One of my mates came round and we watched Shoot Em Up which is awesome.

Then i went to recon. This is a TokyoPop mini convention. I got pushed into the cosplay competition. i went as generic ninja no.7. This is how to make the outfit yourselves:

Black 3/4 lenghts

Black Vest

Black short sleeved shirt

Any Naruto Headband

Any Shoes

Suprisingly i didn't win. Someone dressed as Cardcaptor Sakura won.

By the way could anyone not from Britain tell me how much a pack of 20 cigarettes costs where they live, and where they live, country only. I think they're extremely over priced here.

Also an e-cookie will be awarded to anyone who guesses my quote from now on. It has to be the specific source i am thinking off to count.

Anyway,

"Fuck you you fucking fuckers"

i was just talking with one of my friends. she recently split up with her boyfriend. the cunt strangled her. apperantly she went mental and was screaming at him and hitting him. i don't guve a fuck. you don't stangle one of my fucking friends. she keeps saying she started it but i don't fucking care. he could have done something fucking different. like pinning her down till she calmed down. but no the fucking cunt had to fucking strangle her. what a fucking prick.

on top of that she said that of all the fucking shit he's done that the one that fucked her off the least. i fucking swear if i see that cunt i'm gonna fucking hospitalise him. FUCKING CUNT will pay.

you see some of you may not know but i value my friends very fucking highly. no one fucks with my friends. no fucking cunt is gonna strangle one of my friends and think he'll be able to walk by me in the fucking street without even a fucking punch to his fucking cunt mouth. i wont hunt him down (my original idea) because my friend asked me to not 'kill him, or hit him', but i cant promise anything if we meet in the street.

If that happens i may hospitalise the fucking cunt.

Anyway, i'm not apologizing for my language as there is a clear fucking warning.

"Fuck this quote"

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with your partner?

Never

How old will you be on your next birthday?

19

Have you ever seen a live bat?

A couple of times 

Is there anything/anyone you hate?

Many things/people

Are you single?

Yes  

Do you like the color orange?

It's Okay i guess

Do you find it in your heart to forgive?

I try not to

Would you rather not drink [any liquid at all] or not sleep?

Not Sleep, it's a waste of time anyway

Have you ever seen a real redneck?

No never

So tattoos and piercings excite you?

Kinda actually

What's the meaning of life?

Each life has a meaning that that person chooses for themselves

What size shoes do you wear in womens/mens?

8/9 in mens

What's your favorite season?

Winter 

Do you care if people talk smack about you?

Not generally

At what age do you want to get married?

Depends when i find the "right one" 

How long are you on the phone daily?

Not at all if i can help it

Sorry, I forgot to ask your name, what is it?

Przemek

Are you in a good mood? 

I'm okay 

Do you think people will exist forever? 

Not a chance 

Do you believe in luck? 

Yes i do 

Everything happens for a reason, right? 

No. Some shit has no reason to it. 

Would you rather skydive or bungee jump? 

Skydive 

Do you like snakes? 

They're cool 

Where is one place that you'd like to visit?

Japan.

Do you like waffles?

Yes

Anything you're looking forward to?

Starting work actually

Do you have more or less than five best friends? 

Less 

What would you do if the friend you talk to most stopped talking to you?

I don't talk to my friends much, so i don't know

Does the number 23 have any significance to you?

Yes. It the title of a film i'm currently downloading

Be honest, do you like people in general?

Not really

Big or small dogs?

Dogs in general

Do you like Big Macs?

Yes

Did someone bother you today?

Yes

What do you think about death?

It comes naturally to us all. Even though most of us fear it we must accept it as an inevitable end to our mostly pointless existence.

Sometimes, do you wish you were someone else?

Sometimes

Does someone love you?

I doubt it

Do you know anyone named Dave? 

A couple of people 

Recently kissed anyone with the name starting with R?

No

Has anyone ever mistaken you for a family member on the phone?

Now and again

Have you ever tried Gatorade? 

Never 

Do you think that Starbucks is expensive?

A bit

Are you named after a family member?

No

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass or fail?

Pass.

Are you taller than 5' 6"?

I think so 

Ever seen a dead body? 

Yes 

Do you like the color blue?

Yes

How are you?

Okay

Who was the last person to send you a text message?

Kuz

Last restaurant you went to?

Whetherspoons. Technically it's a pub but we had food so there

What is the weather like today?

Cloudy but warm 

Last voicemail you received?

i don't get voicemails

What did you do yesterday?

Went for a picnic with my friends 

What's the first thing you would do with five million dollars? 

Get ridiculusly drunk. And learn to spell ridiculusly 

What nationalities are you?

Polish 

How many hours did you sleep last night? 

4 

Any upcoming concerts you want to attend? 

Not so much 

Who's the last person that you felt was stalking you?

No one

Have you ever been on your school's track team?

Oh hell no

What clothes are you wearing?

T-shirt and 3/4 jeans

If all your friends went on a road trip would you go too?

Definitly

How much money do you have, in cash?

52p 

Do you swear at your parents? 

No my mum'd kill me but i'd like to

Is your phone right beside you?

Pocket

Have you cried today?

No

Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?

No.

Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? 

No

What are the color of your bed sheets? 

Brown 

Have you ever crawled through a window?

As long as this will not raise any further questions...yes

Are you photogenic?

Hell no

What's your sign?

Either capricorn or saggitarius i don't remember.

Where do you spend most of your money? 

Random crap i don't really need 

What was the last thing you did? 

Lose on facebook poker 

Do you have any tattoos?

Yes

Do you still watch Saturday morning cartoons?

Sometimes

Is there a secret you've never told any of your friends?

Yes.

Have you ever told someone you loved them but didn't mean it?

Unfortunately yes

Have you ever changed your clothes in a vehicle?

Yes

What are you doing in 2009?

Working

What is your ringtone?

The One Winged Angel

What were you doing at 2 AM, saturday night?

Playing on the Xbox or maybe reading. Either way i was drinking

Are your parents divorced, married, or seperated?

They never married and didn't stay together

What are you doing tonight?

Drinking

What are you doing tomorrow?

Going to my friends then drinking

Who did you last message on MySpace?

Don't use MySpak

Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?

No

What did you dress up as for your first Halloween?

I can't remeber

What is the wallpaper on your cell phone?

Mike Shinoda (Linkin Park) live in Sheffield

My last day of college today. Woo Hoo. I can't fucking believe it's finally over. Two years of my life that i found shit finally came to an end. Unfortunately i wont be able to see my old friends much any more but at least i wont be bitching and moaning about college any more.

I got my tattoo recoloured today as well so it doesn't look shit anymore. Getting a half sleeve done soon as well which is gonna be awesome.

Anyway,

"Jesus, it never ends, it works it's way inside"

So what's been happening?

Well for a start i got a job in marketing. It's only door to door sales kinda stuff, and i work on commission but the money is/might be good and the oppotunities are brilliant. If i put in the hardwork i might be running my own business by next year so it's all good. I start 30th june and i can't wait.

a while back i've been debating whether to ask this girl out. everybody said i should so i did ... kinda. i asked if she wanted a cp of coffe at some point she said yeah but when it came to actually making a date she said she was busy. whatever...i'll live. an attitude i would not be able to have a couple of months ago.

my semi-depression has passed. even my friends pointed it out so another positive. \m/. i got the internet as you probably already know and i got an email sorted out. Its shootkillreload@live.co.uk if you wanna add me. i'm also on facebook now as well incase you wanted to know. i'm going to my dad's in france in acouple of weeks after my exams and i'm strangley looking forward to it.

so that's pretty much it. i will be online later and often now that i has tha intanats so i'll see y'all around yeah.

anyway,

"these fuckers are laughing their way to the bank"

Sorry for not blogging much recently. I was on holiday for two weeks and then i didn't have a chance to blog. But i should be sorting an internet connection soon.

I've not got much to say. I bought a Pokemon edition game boy last week and have been playing on pokeman gold pretty much non stop. Yes i am a geek but i don't care. I'm proud of it.

Anyway,

"I push my fingers into my eyes"

I'm off college for the next two weeks. WOOO YAY. and all that jazz. Any longer and i would have completely burned out. College absolutely sucks. I fucking hate it.

I'll try to get on the internet at my friends if i can get the chance. I doubt anything exciteing will happen but i will try to catch up with what other people are doing and saying. I'm also gonna try get broadband sorted over the holidays so i should hopefully be able to blog from home prettty soon.

Hope ya'll have a good couple of weeks if i don't get to talk to you soon. I'll catch up when i can.

Anyway,

"This idiot has turned into a better man"

SO i was meant to finish my media coursework over the weekend but...i didn't. too busy. I needed to kill some Siths and all that jazz. So basically due to me being extremely lazy and unmotivated i left it till monday. that's when the lazyness kicked in again. But i thought...hey i don't do much work during photography so i'll do it then. Baaaaad idea.

I forgot the handouts that told me what i was supposed to write. I forgot the work that i already done and the deadline is in about 4 hours. Fuck. Great word describes my situation perfectly. I'm gonna go see my teacher at break and try and wing a deadline postponement. My one true skill:winging it.

In other news i will take all your advice and ask her out when i get the chance. If it goes wrong i'm blaming God as s/he has no other purpose.

Anyway,

'Everybody in your crew sucks, punk mother fucks'