So yeah for those of you not in the know i'm a hate filled, vengeful bastard. This has been proven time and time again. I would now like to discuss the latest 'incident' that shows my true face.

A while back i was discussing swine flu with a friend of mine and came to the conclusion that I am actually thankful for the existence of swine flu. To date swine flu has only killed weak elderly people or people with underling conditions. Now i believe if a disease comes along that kills these kinds of people but leaves behind the strong healthy ones it is simply the next step along the evolutionary ladder. Don't forget it is and always has been survival of the fittest.

So yeah i'm glad swine flu came about.

Anyway,

"Cogito Ergo Sum"

So my mood swings really amuse me. I mean like really funny. Yesterday for example all i wanted was to get into an argument with someone. Like i wanted to argue so much i nearly exploded and i tried at every opportunity to get into one. Today however all i want is to laugh. LOL

anyway,

"Your svreams a whisper"

So yeah i got thinking. And came up with some things you may or may not agree with.

1. Most people don't have ACTUAL problems they just blow their small, insignificant lives out of proportion. You know the kind that get suicidal cos they got kissed at a party and the other person wont go out with them. GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!!

2. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3. using text speak makes you look retarded

4. Taking recreational drugs doesn't automatically make you a murdering thief

5. Standing up for yourself doesn't equal making a scene

6. If i know i'm right and can prove i'm right that makes you too stupid to understand simple logic

7. i know you have deep faith in your religion but does that mean that you must push it onto me everytime you see me

8. making a racist joke doesn't make me a racist

9. yes you will die alone

Anyway,

"Come and lay down by the fire son,"

So i got sent home from work early today as they had too many staff on. I thought it would be awesome but then i realised that i have entirely shit all to do. I mean i could go clubbing but its like 15 quid to get in anywhere. Who am i kiddin i'll still probably go clubbing. fuck payin rent this month....

anyway,

"Kick up dust and cuss till i slur up spit"

So i turned twenty yesterday and threw a party at my appartment to celebrate. it was quite good infact. a lot of people turned up and we all had a good time but, certain events could have been avoided.

1. I got into a massive argument with one of my best mates. He got a little too drunk and i asked him to sober up a bit and drink a glass of water. He outright refused and told me to fuck off. I told him to leave. he was then let back in by my housemate who was trying to sort everything out. i asked him for an appology he refused and stormed out of the house. I got into a rage and insead of going afterhim i ended up punching my bedroom wall and splitting my whole hand open. oh well....

2. I invited a couple of girls who i'm interested in, just on the off-chance that something might happen. I spent a large ammount of the night talking to both of them and i thought i might be getting somewhere. but half and hour later BOTH OF THEM were getting off with other guys. I mean come on i'm not that repulsive am i?

3. One of my best friends was there and i have been in love with her for a couple of years now. she is the perfect person for me but i can't ask her to start dating me. If she says yes things will change, if she says no things'll change. And i'm just not willing to risk it. Either way me loosing total control probably does'nt help thing anway.

4. as always at the end of the party me and a mate of mine started talking about life and such things. You know real heart to heart stuff. I should never be allowed to do this as it always brings me on a depression cycle. and it's no fun being depressed unless you're rich and can drown your self in gin.

On the plus side though i have no hangover and a bathtub full of ice cold beer.

Anyway,

"Now that you've woken up the demon, in me"

last night was weird. i went to my favourite club in town and the bouncer told me how wrecked i was last time. i've never been so fucking embarassed. I'm not gonna go into any detail but let's just say it was bad, even by my standards/

so i decided yo drink some water now and again to attempt to stop myself from getting that bad. and i entered the state which i have named Soberdrunk. So basically i was drunk but i was still capable of making sober decisions. Soberdrunk meant i made a lot of decisions that i wouldn't normally make

1. I didn't get totally fucked (A First time experience)

2. I didn't punch the guy who was being a prick aand pissing everyone off

3. i didn't go home with the first lass who came my way

4. i was still capable of holding a conversation

5. i can remember the entirety of the night

6. i can remember how i got home

7. i know where my money is gone

All of these put together have probably made that one of the best nights out ever for me. Not the best since the club was a bit empty as it was Boxing Day. But it was still a good night.

So my new year's resolution - drink more water with my alcohol

Anyway,

"Go and save yourself, and take it out on me"

So it's quarter past four in the morning i'm still awake and there doesn't seem to be anyway i'll fall asleep now. Maybe soon...please soon.

So i finished work relatively early today. to be honest with ya working the late shift in a hotel bar on christmas day is quite a boring experience. Like soul crushing boring. i seriously considered shooting someone just to spice things up. still a couple of pricks managed to fuck me off but i got my own back with my god-like powers. and by god like i mean i refused them service. it's really more like barman powers. so after doing 9 and a half hours (and getting paid for nineteen) and with the place being deader than Micheal jackson i still managed to make 25 quid in tips. go super service.

so tomorow is boxing day which i wangled off. I'm gonna go to a local club called Corporation where i spend the majority of my evenings off. I'm gonna get smashed. I mean a vodka with mixer is 50p til midnight. i'm taking around 45 quid with me. i'll be surprised if i can still stand up by the end of the night.

monday is my birthday. 150 bottles of beer waiting to be consumed plus whatever other people are bringing. that's gonna be another massive bender. and people say binge drinking is bad for you. tut tut tut.

I'm seeing my best friend on monday before my party. quite excited by that as i don't get to see him very often.

Also I'm still quite surprised that we managed to get Rage Against The Machine to christmas no.1. Fuck you X-Factor, i won't do what you told me. (god that was lame and somewhat clishe)

anyway,

"Hold it between your legs, turn it up, turn it up"

My birthday is in a few days and i'll be twenty. Fuck. Seems only yesterday i was nineteen. But then again i was nineteen yesterday so that may be why...Anyhow i spent a fuck load on beer and such for my party invited a bunch of people and it's gonna be a fun party. Then again probably not.

Reason 1. I am the worst host ever. Last time i threw a party i spent a good majority of the night sat on the stairs outside my house either alone or with whoever came to join me for a few minutes. I then went back and told everyone i was going for a walk. Half an hour later i return and most people have dissapeared. I'm hoping there wont be a repeat this time but i tend to throw big depression fits and just sit by my self in random corners. Fun...

Reason 2. I'm not entierely sure if people are actually gonna turn up. Lots of people said they're gonna go out for my birthday last year and then only 4 of them actually turned up. That would be a massive downer i think...

other than that there's not much that has changed since my last post many moons ago. I'm still stuck is a shite job although i am dropping down to four days a week starting January, so that might make it a bit better. I'm still single and loving/hating it. I like being able to go out and just hook up but then again I also want someone that i can actually be close to and maybe even have a conversion with that doesn't end in "are we going back to yours or mine'.

So life is shit, christmas is shit, and as always people are shit. Except from you guys and my friends. You're not so bad.

And just to add some christmas cheer to this post. The period with the highest number of confirmed suicides across the majority of the world is the two Weeks around Christmas. So there, christmas cheer for all...

Anyway,

"Just the tempest, the Temptress and me"

My cousin got stabbed to death on Thursday. I don't feel anything. That's bad i think. I should feel somethig at least i think....but oh well.

I have beenfeeling very depresed again recenly, even before that happened. I've started cutting and drinking heavily again.

Anyway,

"go to sleep bitch"

i think my depression is slowly starting to come back.

i find it hard to eve fake a smile and i can't remember the last time i laughed.

I don't know whether it's my job that's getting me down or this overwhelming sense of ... aloneness ... but something is seriously getting me down. I don't know

Anyway,

"Back to the streets where i belong"

So i'm slowly killing my self. i took a moment over the past couple of days to look at my lifestyle. I discussed this with my friend and what he said really stuck with me...

"If you just did drugs you'd be a lot healthier"

Now i don't do drugs (a bit of weed now and again) but my lifestyle is really bad. I don't get much sleep because of m job but when i finish early i still stay up for no reason. Like now it quarter past three in the morning and i'm still awake.

Because of this lack of sleep i wake up tired and drink a load of energy drink. And i mean like a minimum of 1 litre a day just to keep me going. I smoke half a pack of cigarettes a day and drink heavily whenever i get a chance. And i mean really heavily. Last time i went out i can't remember how i got home. I had enough to drink to get TWO people seriously drunk. I had a bottle of wine, some beer, nearly half a bottle fo vodka and a botle of jagermeister all to my self.

And my diet doesn't help much. Monday was the first time i ate a properly cooked meal in about a month. I tend to live on take-aways, fast food and instant noodles.

All this shit is starting to catch with me now. I've been feeling very ill over the past few days. My bones and joints hurt an i had a headache for abot 5 days straight now. I'm constantly tired and lose concentration all the time. And i've been throwing up blood at work. This gave me a few days off which gave me the chance to rest and recouperate.......that i spent drinking wine, staying up late and parrtying. You'd have thought i learned by now...

Anyway...

"Since i was young i've tasted sorrow on my tounge"

So the past few days at work have been very stressful but i have a day off so i'm gonna chillax and get considerably hammered, which ought to be very cool and is extremely needed and deserved....

Came back from work at quarter past 4 this morning and decided that it would be a good idea to watch the latest episode of bleach after checking my facebook, after this i decided to watch the sealed sword OVA followed by a stint on the ol' Xbox. This is quite normal for me.

However at half past 9 this morning after getting no sleep i decided it would be a good idea to buy a sandwich and some energy drink and not sleep til sometime tomorow. So that's gonna be about 36 hours between sleeps which i personnaly think is a very reasonable period of wakefullness.

So I'm gonna buy some energy drink and go to my mates to hopefully do some sword training before going to the pub then maybe a club.

Anyway,

"I've been on a bender and it shows"

So here's a little piece i wrote a couple of weeks back, tell me what you think.It's called "this beautiful thing"

Sup people,

Sorry for being gone for over a year. I missed you all. How have things been without me?

Anyway MindSay would'nt allow me to log in but I reckon it was a problem with my old internets because now that i have new internets everything is good. So where to start....

I decided to finish college. Turns out that there wasn't much point as i got pretty poor grades. I don't mind though cos that two years of living in misery are over. I am now in full time employment in a hotel which i absolutely hate cos my manager is a fucking dickhead.

In the past few months i fell in love and had my heart broken. The girl hurt me everyday and i don't know how i managed to cope. I don't want to go into the full details unless i get quizzed about it. I told her i am over her to make things easier between us so that we can remain friends. She is now in a new relationship. It makes me happy to see her happy but the thing is the relationship is kinda on the rocks. And it makes me happy to see her sad. Does that make me a bad person? Yes i believe it does....but i never said i was an angel. i am also slowly distanceing myself from her, a technique i used for a long time to stop myself from getting hurt.

I am still feeling very depressed although i got a lot better at hiding it from everyone and not allowing it to afect my day to day life. I decided that i have to learn to live with this part of myself and accept that i will never be truly happy. Oh well life's a bitch...

I've recently moved out from my moms and am now living with some friends in a shared house. I now completely control my own life and decisions and this sort of freedom is absolutely amazing. I should've moved out months if not years ago. It would've made my life so much easier.

What's been happening with you guys i probably missed tons whils i've been away. Let me know the important things. I now have the inernet at home so i should be checking my blog every single day. I get quite obsessie like that. I am looking forward to speaking with you guys soon...

Anyway,

"What does the scouter say about his power level.

IT'S OVER 9000"

So i'm going to France in a few hours. Whereas most people would like this i am absolutely hating it. I'm only going because my dad is paying for it and he wants to see me but...i'll list the problems:

1. It's France

2. It's full of French people

3. It'll be hot

4. It'll be sunny

5. I might get a tan

6. I have to spend a week with my dad and uncle

7. There'll be French people around

and others that i can't remember

Anyway,

"Dedicated to the kids, dedicated to wherever the music lives"

so i've not posted for a while have i. For ages really. Not much has been happening really. I've finished all my exams and that so i don't have to go back to that fucking hell hole ever. Yay. I've been...alive.

So recently i thought i was getting better. For those of you who don't know i was going through what can best be described as depression. I was going through it for a long time...or what seemed like a long time. But then i started feeling better. DOn't know why but i did. Even my friends could tell that i was happier. Kinda funny though how it cann all return in one day. Just a couple of drinks with a couple of friends and the old thoughts came flooding back. And back to my old self again...not the good kind. Anyway i've been trying my hardest to not let it show this time and i think it's working.Yay. Good for me.

I was gonna talk about the old thoughts and feelings but decided not too. They're just too personal and fucked up in my head right now. Maybe soon...or on a different account or something. But not here and not now. What the fuck am i saying...sorry i'll go.

Anyway,

"She is everything to me, the urequited dream, the song that no one sings"

Last two days were pretty cool. On tuesday i went with one of my friends to go and see the Grindhouse doublebill at the cinema. It was fucking brilliant. I've already seen deathproof on DVD and didin't really like it but is was really good on the bigscreen. And Planet Terror was amazingly good. it was so over the top it was brilliant. also they showed the fake adverts for Machete, Don't, Werewolf Women of the SS and Thanksgiving all of which were hilarious. My mate also tells me that they are actually making Machete into a real film as well which will be fucking brilliant.

Yesterday i want to the seaside with all my friends which was pretty cool. We didn't do much but it was fun nontheless spending some time with them in different surroundings.

Anyway, the same e-cookie drill goes(someone will claim one eventually)

"Don't shoot yourselves, Don't shoot each other and especially don't shoot me."

Do you currently have a hickey? 
No

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
My Mum

What was the last thing someone said to you?
Sure

So iw ent to town with some mates this morning. I bought some stuff i needed plus a Karate outfit. Which is weird because i don't do Karate. Or any martial art. It'll probably just live next to my Kung-Fu jacket. What a great waist of money. I love buying random shit i don't need.

we went back to mine and watched Cannibal Holocaust. It was the second time i saw it so i wasn't very shocked this time. It's an okay film but i wouldn't reccomend it. Not because it is somewhat sick but because it is quite poorly acted and shot.

Anyway, an e-cookie to anyone who gets my quote

"I'm a British nanny and I'm dangerous"

Today was quite good. I watched a part of Lost Boys in the morning which was absolutely shit. Bought some cigarettes which was good cos i hadn't had a smoke since monday. I hate being skint. One of my mates came round and we watched Shoot Em Up which is awesome.

Then i went to recon. This is a TokyoPop mini convention. I got pushed into the cosplay competition. i went as generic ninja no.7. This is how to make the outfit yourselves:

Black 3/4 lenghts

Black Vest

Black short sleeved shirt

Any Naruto Headband

Any Shoes

Suprisingly i didn't win. Someone dressed as Cardcaptor Sakura won.

By the way could anyone not from Britain tell me how much a pack of 20 cigarettes costs where they live, and where they live, country only. I think they're extremely over priced here.

Also an e-cookie will be awarded to anyone who guesses my quote from now on. It has to be the specific source i am thinking off to count.

Anyway,

"Fuck you you fucking fuckers"